The Gottman Method For Couples Therapy
The Gottman Method is an evidence-based approach to couples therapy with 40+ years of research by Drs. John and Julie Gottman on what makes a relationship successful.
As a Gottman trained therapist, I work with you to improve communication, address conflict in a healthy manner, and develop understanding of each other- creating growth as a couple and emotional intimacy.
While I pull from many of the latest, cutting-edge philosophies in the field from leaders such as Terry Real, Esther Perel, and Sue Johnson - this modality is my home base in working with couples due to its extensive and inclusive research.
The Four Horseman.
The Gottman Method recognizes 4 damaging styles of communication that we will address in therapy and work to eliminate. These are called the four horseman because they predict trouble in a relationship.
These are:
Criticism: Putting down your partner’s personality or character.
Contempt: Treating your partner unkindly- sarcasm, eye-rolling, scoffing.
Defensiveness: Blaming your partner or making excuses.
Stonewalling: Avoiding communication, refusing to engage, and shutting your partner out.
Repair separates the “masters of relationships” from the “disasters”.
A core principle of the Gottman Method is that conflict is inevitable and can even be beneficial. What sets the “masters” apart from the “disasters” isn’t whether or not you argue.
A relationship without conflict is unrealistic. What is realistic is the ability to gain skills to address conflict in a way that still shows love, understanding, and acceptance of your partner.
When we don’t “fight fairly” we engage in one or many of the four horseman and have what is called a “regrettable incident”. My job is to help you minimize the damages by making effective repair, helping you move forward together with new understanding and skills.
Turning Towards.
I teach couples how to “turn toward” one another in a way that produces empathy and real connection.
Many times, we respond to our partner’s difficult feelings or bids for connection by attempting to fix it for them or drawing comparisons to ourselves— leaving partner’s feeling unheard and disconnected.
I’ll coach you in how to respond to your partner’s bids for connection in way that shows empathy- helping them feel understood by you and cared for.
What to expect…
Assessment: The Gottman Method has a 3 part assessment phase. In the first session, we will meet all together where I will ask you about your relationship history, current presenting issues, and goals for therapy and the relationship. In some cases, I may ask you each to fill out a questionnaire that measures your relationship satisfaction and lays out an in-depth analysis of your strengths and growth areas. Next, I will meet with each of you for an individual session. After these initial sessions, we will launch couples therapy.
Sessions: Couples should be able to commit to weekly sessions for 4-6 weeks to gain initial traction, begin to implement new skills, and see progress. From here, couples often pivot to biweekly and then terminate when they have achieved their goals.
Interventions: Couples will learn techniques that help communicate and address issues in a constructive way. Sessions may include education, activities designed to improve communication and connection, as well as processing.
Is The Gottman Method right for us?
The Gottman Method can be profoundly impactful for couples experiencing a variety of relationship issues.
When thinking about starting couples therapy (particularly with a therapist who pulls from The Gottman Method), couples should consider their overall commitment to working on their relationship. I work with couples who show up engaged in the process- in and outside of their sessions.
Couples therapy is best suited for folks who are ready to make a change, are willing to look inward at their own contributions to “the problem” , and invest their time and energy to creating the relationship they long for.
Couples therapy is not suited for anyone in an abusive relationship, a relationship experiencing domestic violence, or where one or both parties are in an ongoing affair. If you are experiencing abuse, you can get free, confidential support by calling 1-800-799-SAFE.